Anyone can occasionally act selfishly, but a persistent pattern may signal something more serious. Here are a few ideas on how to spot narcissistic characteristics with the one you’re with.
1. Narcissists have fragile egos.
Licensed psychologist Kate Balestrieri, PsyD, co-founded Triune Counseling Group in Los Angeles. “I think, a lot of times, people view narcissism to have a lot of grandiosity, and a lack of guilt or remorse or empathy, and all of those are very essential components of narcissism,” she says. In order to aid people in recovering from the trauma of being in relationships with narcissists, Balestrieri created a workshop. Nonetheless, in a professional setting, we consider issues like: “Does someone have a very fragile sense of self?” In other words, despite the fact that we may perceive narcissists as selfish jerks, they actually act out of profound anxieties. The social habits of the narcissist frequently reflect such anxieties. They quickly associate themselves with high-status groups or individuals, the finest of the best, according to Balestrieri. They require admiration, says the author. Behind all of that grandiosity comes a really poor and broken sense of self-worth because if my ego is weak, I need a lot of other people’s opinions to support my sense of self. Usually, there is also a lot of humiliation. Narcissistic disorder sufferers frequently overcompensate for this humiliation by boasting about how great they are to others. Such convictions are solid, yet frail. They could wax lyrical about how wonderful they are, how much this person or that person adores them, or how they were admitted into a certain group, warns Balestrieri. They are actually supporting anything that feeds into their illusions of success, significance, supremacy, or just being awesome. Such fears may undoubtedly have an impact on romantic relationships.
2. Narcissists have an inflated opinion of their partners.
Sal Raichbach, PsyD, of Ambrosia Treatment Center, claims that dating a narcissist involves going through several distinct stages. They’ll first try to make you feel unique. They believe that only other extraordinary individuals can comprehend them because they are so unique. However this emotion will become less strong with time. Because you don’t say much about yourself, you’ll start to feel like they don’t really truly know you. Balestrieri concurs, pointing out that narcissists frequently focus on the positive traits of their relationships, but in a shallow or superficial manner. “It’s a pretty big red flag if you just meet someone and they start telling you right away that they love you and that you’re amazing and that you’re the most beautiful person in the world, the most incredible partner that they’ve ever met—just it’s all about kind of inflated, kind of fantastical thinking and projection,” she advises. A narcissist might change rapidly if they no longer get the sort of affirmation they require to make them feel good about themselves. That devoted companion can all of a sudden turn hostile. Balestrieri says that “shame anger” is a behavior that narcissists frequently exhibit. Do they criticize others after making a mistake to attempt to make themselves feel better? It is a strong indicator that you are with a narcissist.
3. Narcissists require tremendous amounts of attention.
“Narcissists like to talk about themselves, which is another obvious sign,” Raichbach says. “Instead of sharing and listening to you, they’re emotionally evasive and expect you to save your breath for reinforcing their specialness.”
They’ll gradually start to expect more focus from their relationships. Balestrieri claims that can show up in sneaky ways. Indeed, she continues, “[narcissists] could be extremely aggressive. “And unfavorable attention is preferable to none. Being irrelevant would strike to the narcissist’s core the fastest, and when we don’t pay attention to them, they feel unimportant. They frequently resort to being aggressive and offensive to at least garner that [attention].
The distinction between “good” and “negative” attention may not be clear to a narcissist. When they have poor self-esteem, narcissists frequently behave in less acceptable ways than non-narcissists. “Imagine a little child approaching the refrigerator and requesting that his mother “look at me, look at me!” says Balestrieri. When she’s on the phone, he eventually turns over a container of orange juice and smiles because he knows that even though he’s misbehaving, he now has his mother’s attention. “A narcissist might also present themselves that way. They might be a good person or a bad person. That truly doesn’t matter. As long as they continue to get that supply. It involves doing anything they can to remain relevant and at the forefront of people’s minds rather than merely breaking the rules.
4. Narcissists are fixated on envy.
Envy often plays some sort of role in romantic relationships, but people with narcissistic tendencies might become obsessed. “[Narcissistic people] definitely can be interpersonally exploitative,” Balestrieri says. “Someone who’s narcissistic can get really fixated on envy, and they often think that people are jealous of them.” She says that, once again, the narcissist’s fragile ego drives the behavior. “They can live in a kind of a hot bed of their own envy [towards] other people, because they’re constantly comparing themselves to others to derive a sense of self,” she notes. “They can be really haughty, arrogant, or dismissive while devaluing of other people.” In a romantic relationship, that creates a predictable series of events. Narcissists gradually turn against their partners, eventually becoming negative or even outright hostile towards them. “There’s a cycle that we often see play out with narcissists where they idealize a partner or friend,” Balestrieri explains. “Then, the minute there’s some kind of falter in the fantasy of who that person is, they devalue them—almost knocking their knees out from under them—and then discard them.” To the narcissist, this type of behavior is a defense mechanism. “That’s a way that narcissists stay safe,” she says. “They’ll say, ‘You’re amazing…but if you stop being amazing for whatever reason, you’re no longer someone that I want to align my star with. So you’re useless to me.’”
5. They push against your personal boundaries.
Researchers have shown that narcissists frequently struggle with empathy, even if they aren’t always sociopaths (people largely incapable of expressing empathy). Yet, they sometimes transgress personal boundaries in their pursuit of attention, which can have negative consequences. In order to encourage you to show up more for them than you initially want to, narcissists frequently push your boundaries, according to Balestrieri. For instance, a narcissist may pressure their partner early on in a relationship to make sacrifices or significant commitments. If you refuse, you’ll probably suffer some unpleasant effects, maybe including verbal and emotional abuse.
If you’re involved with a narcissist, seek help from a professional.
Although narcissists frequently struggle with empathy, they are not always evil people. Some of the underlying anxieties that lead to their deceptive or destructive actions can be addressed with counseling.
